


Kokichi Oma: Jack Off All Trades, Master of Puns

by tru3p1ayaZz



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Bad Puns, Fish Puns, Inspired by Austin Powers, Puns & Word Play, Random EDP445 Reference, Random Steven Adams Reference, low blows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:34:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29218059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tru3p1ayaZz/pseuds/tru3p1ayaZz
Summary: People cope with death in different ways. Some react with anger, some develop unhealthy habits, and some never get over it.Kokichi, however...
Kudos: 2





	Kokichi Oma: Jack Off All Trades, Master of Puns

**Author's Note:**

> Been a while since my last story. Hopefully this proves to be more than worth the wait.

When the first victim is claimed, when the students collectively stumble onto the corpse of Rantaro Amami, their reactions are a mix of shock, sadness, and anger.

With one exception.

Kokichi fucking Oma.

“Goddamnit!”

“H-how? We… we were so close, too…”

“Jesus. I’m sorry, man. You were way too young.”

As the students were still panicking over the sight of Rantaro’s dead body, Monokuma and his five children came in to once again go over the rules of the class trial, since for god-knows-what reason the killer didn’t take advantage of the First Blood Perk like seriously what the fuck Kaede you’re cool and all but why would you risk everyone’s lives like that and not take the goddamn perk like are you allergic to living-

After dropping off the Monokuma File to all the remaining students, Monokuma and his kids left the scene, leaving the students to stand in silence.

All but one.

“You know, it’s really a shame. Rantaro could’ve been the hero of this story, but he really… _dropped the ball,”_ The Supreme Leader said with a smirk on his face, drawing all eyes on him but no verbal reaction, as the students were too stunned at the fact that he was cracking jokes _about a murder victim_ to say anything. Taking their silence as his cue to continue, Kokichi spoke up again. 

“I think he was trying to do the right thing, trying to expose the mastermind, but the pressure must’ve gotten to… _his head._ I really can’t blame him though. Whatever he was doing, it was worth _a shot_ , you know? I mean, it takes _big balls_ to try and pull that off. Like I said before, it really is a shame that he _cracked_ under the pressure. I’m sorry to be so _blunt_ with all of you by _forcing_ these shitty puns, but if we don’t get over the _trauma_ of seeing his dead body, then we’re gonna-” 

Kokichi never finishes that sentence, as his pun rampage comes to an end courtesy of a kick to the nuts from Tenko Chabashira.

A few seconds later, Kokichi finds himself writhing on the ground in agony, clutching at his groin. The other male students would’ve winced in sympathy, but they didn’t due to him joking _about a murder victim._

Not to mention the puns themselves were pretty awful.

“Ow! What the fuck, Tenko?! I thought your Aikido was supposed to be for self defense!” Kokichi yelled out, his voice strained.

“Yes. I’m defending all of our ears from your terrible puns!” The Aikido Master replied, ready to strike again if Kokichi tried anything else.

“You know what? Yeah, that’s actually a pretty good reason. That’s not a lie,” Kokichi admits, remaining bent over on the library floor, his voice still hoarse. “I-I probably deserved that. That’s also not a lie. Just, just give me a few minutes and I should be good here.”

And so, the investigation begins.

* * *

Shockingly, Kaede is revealed to be the killer. The remaining students unanimously vote for her, albeit reluctantly, Monokuma declares the verdict to be correct, and the pianist is executed in one of the most wanton displays of cruelty known to man.

As the sadistic bear leaves the fourteen students silenced in the trial room, one boy once again speaks up.

“Damn. You know, she almost _played_ us all for a bunch of fools back there. I mean, with the crying and all that shit, it really _pulls_ at the heartstrings, you know what I’m saying? I have to admit, she seemed pretty cool. I really wanted to _hang out_ with her a little more, but, well, looks like that’s not gonna happen. But fuck man, I wouldn’t wish what happened to her on anyone. I mean, Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty _crushing_ way to go. Seriously though, I’m glad we were able to work together and _close this case_. If we hadn’t, then we’d all be-” 

Once again, Kokichi is interrupted by a kick to the groin from the Ultimate Aikido Master.

“Ow! Aw, fuck, it doesn’t hurt any less the second time! Ow, Jesus! Uh, just give me a few… hours, and I should be fine.”

This time, the students simply walk out of the trial room, each of them either insulting or ignoring him on their way out.

“Scumbag.”

“Man, fuck you!”

“You deserve a lot more of those, bitch!”

* * *

The next body to be discovered is Ryoma Hoshi’s, at Himiko’s magic show.

Just like before, the students all react with shock, anger and sadness. Monokuma and his (now four) children show up to pass out the Monokuma File to the remaining thirteen students, and then leave them to their own devices.

Just like before, Kokichi opens his mouth even though no one wants him to.

“Well, I guess he really _slept with the fishes,_ huh? There’s a good chance that he was crying for help, but got _drowned out_ by all the other background noise. I guess we can say that the stress of the killing game was really _eating away_ at him. But it’s okay, guys- we can still salvage this situation. We all just need to relax, take a _deep breath_ , and-” 

This time, Kokichi sees Tenko out of the corner of his eye, and manages to dodge her attack. “Hahaha, nice try, TenkOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!” Too bad he didn’t account for Maki being right behind him.

“Oh my god! It hurts even more than when Tenko did it! How the fuck is that possible- she’s a martial artist!” Kokichi yells out as he stares at Maki and her death glare in the eyes for about two seconds before looking away.

“Do you want to die?” Maki asks.

“Yes! But in a more dignified manner than this!”

Just like last time, the students walk away and start their investigation, not bothering to deal with Kokichi. “Yeah, yeah. Just don’t even check up on me. It’s okay, I should be up in a few… days. Actually, disregard that. I might be on IR for a bit longer this time around.” He tries to move, but it only makes the pain worse. “Good evening Twitter, this is your boy Kokichi Oma, and on three occasions over the past week, my dick has been beaten up so goddamn hard that I can’t even feel my left leg- my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point to where it feels fucking weird when I go and take a piss.”

Kokichi wasn’t lying for once; urinating had become extremely painful for him over the past few days.

* * *

The killer is Kirumi. The students are once again hesitant to send her off to her death, because none of them want to see another student die, especially not one who had, up to this point, been good to all of them.

Despite their best efforts at defending her, as well as her desperate running, Kirumi eventually dies in brutal fashion, much like Kaede before her.

Again, Monokuma leaves the students alone after the execution. Again, Kokichi speaks up at the worst possible time.

“She was really _hanging on by a thread there,_ huh? It kinda sucks that she went out the way she did, but she had a _good run,_ you know? But geez. Talk about a _fall from grace_ . They say _every rose has its thorns,_ but damn- I didn’t think she would get that nasty. I was fooled there for a moment- I really thought she was in _prime position_ to get away, but then she still died in the end. I swear, it’s like that execution was _tailor-maid_ for her-”

This time, it’s Kaito who punches him in the dick as the students walk out of the room, not feeling sadness for Ryoma and Kirumi, nor disgust at Kokichi. Instead, their emotions are as numb as the Supreme Leader’s testicles.

“Yeah, I think I’m gonna need a few… weeks over here. Shit man, I’m gonna have ED at 25… or maybe even younger. But you know what? It’s fine. It really is. I never wanted to have children anyways… owww...”

Later that night, Kokichi goes to the casino to try and numb the physical and emotional pain. At first, he wants to get a Key of Love with his winnings, but then he realizes that he probably won’t be able to get it up due to the four nut shots he’s taken recently and instead opts to get a Steven Adams jersey.

* * *

When Kokichi picks the lock, he can sense in his gut that something has gone wrong, that they’re going to find something awful on the other side of that door.

Granted, he can probably feel that something’s wrong in his gut because his gut feels wrong, for obvious reasons. But still, he opens the door and-

The four wax statues are all upside down. Well, that’s definitely creepy, but it doesn’t look like there’s anything too bad- ah, fuck.

On the floor lies the dead body of Angie Yonaga.

Okay, you know the drill by now. Monokuma shows up (with only 3 kids this time), passes out the file, then leaves them alone, and the sun rises as the moon falls.

“Well… this doesn’t _paint a pretty picture_ , now does it? I’ve gotta say, this is kind of a shocker. I mean, it was looking like Angie would be a major player in this game, and then she just gets _brushed aside_ like that? Damn. And here I am, _waxing poetic_ about her death. It’s like-” 

Before Kokichi could continue, K1-B0 gave every pair of ears in the room reason to keep working by shoving his knee into Kokichi’s crotch, which was so bruised by now that if you only looked at that part of his body, you would mistake him for Doctor Manhattan.

“Owwww. Five nut shots. Five. This has to be some kind of record, right? ‘Senior citizen level strength’ my ass. Just gimme, say, a few months, and I should be good to go again…”

Not long after finding Angie’s body, Korekiyo offers to perform the Caged Child seance, allowing her to speak to the others through someone else’s body. He asks for a total of four volunteers, and Kokichi ends up being one of them, to the dismay of the other three (Tenko, Himiko, and K1-B0, who would later be replaced by Shuichi.) They all follow Korekiyo’s instructions to the letter, and in the process Kokichi fucks up his groin even more by lifting up a heavy cage required for the ritual.

“Ow! Ow, Jesus fuck, why did I agree to this?!”

Initially, Himiko volunteered to go under the cage and be the medium, but Tenko offered to take up the position so that Himiko could talk to Angie. Himiko, who had never been all that fond of Tenko before, was grateful for the gesture.

However, since we can’t have anything nice or wholesome in this world…

* * *

_“A body has been discovered!”_ This time, it was Tenko.

Wash, rinse and repeat with Monokuma and the Monokubs. As for Kokichi…

“You know, I kinda figured something was wrong. I mean, this scene was just going on for way too long, something had to be up. Like that kama, which is _up_ in Tenko’s neck right now. I’ve heard of the _seesaw effect_ , but this has got to be the most literal version of it that I know of. But don’t worry, guys- we’re gonna find the killer. We’re not just gonna _bend over_ and take it from the killer, or Monokuma-” This time, it’s Miu shoving her boot into his mutilated manhood.

“Leave the sex jokes to me, okay?” The inventor says as she walks away.

“Yeah, sure. Thanks for not using the spikes, by the way. Ah, shit, I should be okay in a few… years, give or take…”

* * *

For all of the murder that’s taken place so far, along with the brutal executions, nothing is as disgusting or grotesque as Korekiyo when he is revealed to be the killer of both Angie and Tenko (with the possible exception of Kokichi’s ballsack). This time, the students have no problem voting him guilty and sending him to his execution, although the sheer brutality of his death still shocks them.

And right on schedule, just after Monokuma leaves the trial room…

“As the saying goes, _‘if you can’t take the heat, then get out of the kitchen.’_ With that said, I think we can all agree that guy was a piece of shit, right? So no one’s gonna feel too _salty_ about the fact that he’s gone. I mean, he really took us for a _spin_ back there, didn’t he? And he almost fooled us all. Sure is a good thing we didn’t get _roped_ into his scheme and wound up voting for the right person, isn’t it? I mean, I sure wouldn’t wanna get _tied down_ with the rest of you guys-”

“Cup check,” Shuichi says as not even a moment later, he rams his foot straight into Kokichi’s scrotum.

“Ow! Ow, fuck! Ah shit, I guess those workouts are really paying off, huh? Oh god, why didn’t I think of that earlier? Okay. Okay, next time, I’m gonna wear a cup. Next time. Just uh, give me a few decades down here and I should be able to move again…”

* * *

In the virtual world, Kokichi finds himself on the receiving end of an assassination attempt from Miu. Not the first time he’s seen one of those, but he lives through it because Miu makes the classic movie mistake of talking when the hero (or villain, in this case) is dead to rights.

It also helps that he roped Gonta “single digit IQ on anything not related to bugs” Gokuhara into his harebrained scheme, getting him to act as protection in case anything went down. After Gonta finished strangling the inventor, Kokichi put a hand on her neck to make sure she was dead.

She was.

* * *

One body discovery announcement and Monokuma File later…

“Well. I guess she really _choked_ under the pressure, huh? All of her grand ambitions about being the next Einstein just got _flushed down the toilet_. I’ve gotta say, that’s a pretty _shitty_ way to go. You know, it’s like-” 

Once again, Maki interrupts him. But instead of a dick punch like he’s grown accustomed to, she breaks his pun spree by asking a question.

“Hey, Monokuma?” At the mention of his name, the bear reappears.

“Oh? What is it, Maki?”

“If I die from cringing at Kokichi’s puns, does that make him the blackened?”

“Yes indeed!” Monokuma exclaimed before disappearing again.

Somehow, that hurt Kokichi even more than it would have if someone had simply kicked him in the nuts. 

Probably because he was wearing a cup this time.

* * *

Although Kokichi knows who the culprit is well before the trial starts, and quickly claims that Gonta is the killer, the other students understandably have a lot of trouble trusting anything that comes from his mouth. Eventually, after a long, arduous class trial, Gonta is found to be the killer, and dies a very painful death soon after.

“' _Gonta take my horse down to the old town road, I’m gonna ride until I can’t no more…’_ Well this sucks. Or maybe I should say it _stings_ ? I dunno. You wanna talk about _The Good, The Bad and the Ugly,_ well, Gonta was definitely the third one by the end. You know what the saddest part is about this? It’s the fact that seeing these brutal executions isn’t even an _Alien_ feeling to us anymore. It’s like…”

As Kokichi looked around, he noticed Monokuma and the other students had already left.

“Ah, really guys? Tough crowd, tough crowd. I’ll be here all week.”

* * *

After an incredibly convoluted series of events that I’m sure as hell not going to explain here, Kokichi finds himself in the same spot as the astronaut standing before him.

On the verge of death.

Alright, let’s just fast forward through all of the elaborate planning here and get to the hydraulic press…

“Hey, Kaito?”

“Yeah?”

“You have to actually, you know, press the button for this plan to work.”

“Well, forgive me for being hesitant to _kill someone_! Even if that someone is a complete piece of shit who we’d probably be better off without.”

Kokichi coughs again. The poison is really starting to get into his system now. He doesn’t have much longer- he can’t afford to let Kaito mess around. There has to be some way to get him to push the button…

Oh.

Why didn’t he think of this sooner?

“You know, Kaito… if you don’t kill me here, then you’ll have a lot to answer for when you talk to… _the press._ You don’t want Maki to be the blackened, right? I mean, that would just be _crushing_ for you, now wouldn’t it? Let’s be real here- everyone hates me, so if you kill me right now, then that’ll quickly make you… _a star_. But if you don’t-”

Kokichi is finally put out of his misery as the press comes down on top of him, leaving the rest of his body in the same state as his genitals- crushed beyond recognition.

“Thank god. Those fuckin’ puns were gonna kill me faster than this disease…”

* * *

One ridiculously long and complicated class trial later, Kaito is found guilty. But just as he’s about to be dragged off to his execution…

“Monokuma, wait!” Tsumugi cries. The bear stops for just a moment.

“Shuichi, I’m surprised you didn’t make a move on Kokichi sooner. It seemed pretty obvious that he had a _crush_ on you,” Tsumugi adds as she looks at the detective.

“Oh, no. If I were to _‘get laid’_ , then it certainly wouldn’t be with the likes of Kokichi. There’s no way I’d want to _lie down_ in bed next to him, Tsumugi,” Shuichi replied.

“I hate to admit it, but he came up with a pretty clever plan for someone working… in _crunch time_ ,” Himiko remarks.

“Yeah. He did a good job of not letting _the pressure weigh him down_. Metaphorically, that is,” K1-B0 chimes, unsure of whether or not he used that word properly.

“I guess you could say that the weight of his actions finally _came down on him_ ,” Kaito snarks, somehow managing to get it out cleanly despite his cough getting progressively worse.

Suddenly, all eyes on the room were fixed on Maki, expecting her to join in.

“Kaito?” The Assassin asks, looking at the dying man before her.

“Yeah?” Kaito replies, wiping more blood on his sleeve.

“I take back everything I said about falling for you. Monokuma, do you mind?”

“Not at all, Maki Roll!”

**Author's Note:**

> The funny thing is, I don't really like Kokichi all that much. In fact, he's my least favorite character in the game. But I think I found a good use for him here.


End file.
